Things are just really going downhill latley, I find myself getting so depressed anymore and seem to cry so much
The stress from losing my mom is REALLY hitting me, also i went to the Dr about my knee surgery and its not better, in fact it worse, I have had this injury since Oct 15th , my first Dr did nothing so i got a 2nd opinion, (MONTHS LATER)well i needed surgery, and now i need more, i may need a metal plate in my knee or bone taken from someplace else and added in my knee, I also have to go to PT 2-3 times a week and its making my back hurt more,
ALL I WANT is to get on with my life, to be who I used to be, where the hell is that person??
I NEED to find her again........
- Current Mood: discontent
There is no freakin way Sanjaya Malakar was better then Sundance, he was one of the top males in my opinion, im totally shocked, are people tone deaf?? or just stupid?? AI was a real let down this week!
- Current Mood: shocked
It still isnt real to me, How can my mom not be here anymore?? WHY?????????!!!!!!!!
She/we fought so damn hard, she had so much pride and showed me so much strength, strength I never knew she had, she made me so proud of her...and I told her that often...I promised she'd never be alone and I was there holding her hand till her very last breath.........
For over a year my life wasnt mine anymore, and now I have no idea what to do with myself, all I do is cry or sleep, if i sleep I dont feel the pain, i dont think, i cant remember.........Its safe.........
I know shes in a better place, I asked her to be my special angel before she left.....I laied in bed with her that day, just holding her hand and talking, I knew she was leaving............She left at 1:43 on the 23rd, it was peacful, she knew she was going she told me 4 times, she just said the word die, and I said mom , go.........I love you so much, i dont want you to leave but you have to, go be happy be with dad and everyone you love, and told her that i loved her over and over again...and she did
At the funeral, which was just one day , a private viewing for me and my sisters and brother, and that evening for family and friends, it was a closed casket then.....there were so many people, but I cant remember it all, I cant remember what all i stood up and said.........I cant remember who was all there
All I do know is there is this huge part of me missing that i cant find.........i knew it was going to be hard, but never imagined this hard.....I have lost so many people, and i thought my dad was bad, but this, this is my mom, a special bond, its not even a feeling i can describe, i was so close to her, i loved her so very much, there were things that i had to do at the end, that i dont think most people could, i never thought twice, i just did it, shes my mom, she would do it for me, nothing in her house seems right now, i lived there for so long it seems and its so empty, i think im going to hear her call out to me, or when she first passed away i would go to take a shower, and think oh , i cant my brother is sleeping someone has to watch mom.........then i would just cry................she loved to have her hand held, or her face or hair rubbed, just touch meant so much to her and i would sit with her and just hold her hand and whisper to her, for hours, just sit... i read psalms to her...i picked the 3 i read alot to be read at her funeral.........
Omg, I miss her so much, I mean SO MUCH! She was the best mom anyone could ever ask for, i do know thats one thing i said , how special she was, how much she taught me, and how she would do or give anyone anything she had, and if she didnt have it, she would find a way
She did teach me so much and she knew that, she told me that alot, how much I changed, how i was different, i would ask how and she said i had more patience, i showed my feelings more, I didnt get upset at her, i said you taught me all that mom, your my hero and she is, a true hero, she fought a hard battle, one that even the drs couldnt understand how she lasted so long, but it was her heart and her love....she didnt want to leave us, i know she didnt, but i made sure we all told her we would be ok....but right now im not, i know it will get easier but for now i cant even leave the house or go an hour without crying, everything reminds me of her, she was such a huge part of my life.............and she always will be, but for now, im empty
Mom I love you so very much
- Current Mood: crushed
|You Are A Little Snobby|
And being a little snobby every once and a while is totally allowed.
Because if no one was ever snobby, no one would ever try to dress up or look pretty.
And while you do enjoy the finest things in life (that you can afford), you tire of superficiality.
You know there's more to life than what's just on the surface.
|Guys Think You're Easy... Maybe Too Easy|
You're a very sexy woman. The problem is, every guy you meet knows it.
You can't help but put your sexuality out there for everyone to see (and sometimes sample).
And while some guys love this approach, it scares off some good prospects.
Save some of your seductive tricks for the right guy. He'll appreciate it more!
- Current Mood: sad