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Just Feeling Blah!

Things are just really going downhill latley, I find myself getting so depressed anymore and seem to cry so much
The stress from losing my mom is REALLY hitting me, also i went to the Dr about my knee surgery and its not better, in fact it worse, I have had this injury since Oct 15th , my first Dr did nothing so i got a 2nd opinion, (MONTHS LATER)well i needed surgery, and now i need more, i may need a metal plate in my knee or bone taken from someplace else and added in my knee, I also have to go to PT 2-3 times a week and its making my back hurt more,
ALL I WANT is to get on with my life, to be who I used to be, where the hell is that person??
I NEED to find her again........


There is no freakin way Sanjaya Malakar was better then Sundance, he was one of the top males in my opinion, im totally shocked,  are people tone deaf?? or just stupid?? AI was a real let down this week!

~Merry Christmas~

Christmas was good this year, I thought it was going to be so much harder, but my kids and my family made it so nice, yes I missed my mom, it was so hard, but I know she was right there with me, my specail angel....The kids had a great time, the got what they as always...lol and a few surpises I got this beautiful neckless, its in memory of my mom its called the Forever in my heart pendant, it has angel wings surrounding it , and a diamond teardrop..and on the back it says "Gone yet not forgotten, although we are apart, your spirit lives within, forever in my heart"I knew I wanted it when my mom got bad, so I ordered it for Christmas, I didnt think it would be here, so i went to the post office and the post master told me there was nothing they could do , I got tears in my eyes, and explained how special it was, so he called me in his office asked for the number of the company i ordered it from and said he would get it to me...then a friend of mine whos a postman showed up at my door the next day, (saturday) he said the post master looked for hours after i left and finally found it, i cried of course, and im gonna get him a gift card...that was so nice, if only more people in this world were like himSo who has new years plans?? I have not been out for years, so im going to the club this year with my brother.....and i think my sister will be home, my brother in law is home for a week or so from Korea...he's serving a year there ;(I dont know if anyone reads my LJ, but I hope you all had a wonderful Christams and have a Happy New Year...

LOL Me and the kids

She's Gone


It still isnt real to me, How can my mom not be here anymore?? WHY?????????!!!!!!!!
She/we fought so damn hard, she had so much pride and showed me so much strength, strength I never knew she had, she made me so proud of her...and I told her that often...I promised she'd never be alone and I was there holding her hand till her very last breath.........

For over a year my life wasnt mine anymore, and now I have no idea what to do with myself, all I do is cry or sleep, if i sleep I dont feel the pain, i dont think, i cant remember.........Its safe.........

I know shes in a better place, I asked her to be my special angel before she left.....I laied in bed with her that day, just holding her hand and talking, I knew she was leaving............She left at 1:43 on the 23rd, it was peacful, she knew she was going she told me 4 times, she just said the word die, and I said mom , go.........I love you so much, i dont want you to leave but you have to, go be happy be with dad and everyone you love, and told her that i loved her over and over again...and she did

At the funeral, which was just one day , a private viewing for me and my sisters and brother, and that evening for family and friends, it was a closed casket then.....there were so many people, but I cant remember it all, I cant remember what all i stood up and said.........I cant remember who was all there

All I do know is there is this huge part of me missing that i cant find.........i knew it was going to be hard, but never imagined this hard.....I have lost so many people, and i thought my dad was bad, but this, this is my mom, a special bond, its not even a feeling i can describe, i was so close to her, i loved her so very much, there were things that i had to do at the end, that i dont think most people  could, i never thought twice, i just did it, shes my mom, she would do it for me, nothing in her house seems right now, i lived there for so long it seems and its so empty, i think im going to hear her call out to me, or when she first passed away i would go to  take a shower, and think oh , i cant my brother is sleeping someone has to watch mom.........then i would just cry................she loved to have her hand held, or her face or hair rubbed, just touch meant so much to her and i would sit with her and just hold her hand and whisper to her, for hours, just sit... i read psalms to her...i picked the 3 i read alot to be read at her funeral.........

Omg, I miss her so much, I mean SO MUCH! She was the best mom anyone could ever ask for, i do know thats one thing i said , how special she was, how much she taught me, and how she would do or give anyone anything she had, and if she didnt have it, she would find a way

She did teach me so much and she knew that, she told me that alot, how much I changed, how i was different, i would ask how and she said i had more patience, i showed my feelings more, I didnt get upset at her, i said you taught me all that mom, your my hero and she is, a true hero, she fought a hard battle, one that even the drs couldnt understand how she lasted so long, but it was her heart and her love....she didnt want to leave us, i know she didnt, but i made sure we all told her we would be ok....but right now im not, i know it will get easier but for now i cant even leave the house or go an hour without crying, everything reminds me of her, she was such a huge part of my life.............and she always will be, but for now, im empty

Mom I love you so very much
You Are A Little Snobby

And being a little snobby every once and a while is totally allowed.
Because if no one was ever snobby, no one would ever try to dress up or look pretty.
And while you do enjoy the finest things in life (that you can afford), you tire of superficiality.
You know there's more to life than what's just on the surface.
Guys Think You're Easy... Maybe Too Easy

You're a very sexy woman. The problem is, every guy you meet knows it.
You can't help but put your sexuality out there for everyone to see (and sometimes sample).
And while some guys love this approach, it scares off some good prospects.
Save some of your seductive tricks for the right guy. He'll appreciate it more!
I feel like so much of my life is passing me by right nowI know I have to take care of my mom, i would never change that but i just feel like so much is missing, that im missing out on so much that over a year of my just is gone...so much undone, i hope my kids understandGuess im having a downer day today